Your dad's neighbor just called to tell you that your 79-year-old father sideswiped his parked vehicle and nearly hit a child standing nearby. Was it an isolated slip-up or the sign that it's time for your dad to think about giving up his car keys? More importantly, how do you begin the discussion about such a potentially volatile subject?
Sensitive issues like this prompted Home Instead Senior Care, a company serving the Tri-State area to launch a public education campaign called "The 40-70 Rule". This campaign will help adult children begin to address difficult issues with their parents such as driving, finances and independence. "The 40-70 Rule' means that if you are 40, or your parents are 70, it's time to start the conversation about some of these difficult topics," said Irene Windle owner of the local Home Instead Senior Care office.
The campaign is based on research conducted in the U.S. and Canada by Home Instead
Senior Care, which revealed that nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the parent-child role. In other words, it can be difficult to get the conversation going because the child is still in a child rather than adult role with their aging loved one.
"Because of this obstacle, adult children may wait until an emergency or crisis happens before talking to their parents," said Mrs. Windle. "Our goal with "The 40-70" campaign is to provide practical ways for adult children to talk to their parents now, before a lack of communication leads to misuse of medications, self-neglect or accidents."
At the center of "The 40-70 Rule" campaign is a guide of conversation starters for sensitive senior-care subjects, which is available free from the local Home Instead Senior Care office. The guide was compiled with the assistance of Jake Harwood, Ph.D., the former director of the University of Arizona's Graduate Program in Gerontology.
"Starting conversations early is particularly important for end-of-life issues such as power of attorney and wills," said Harwood. "Other topics may need to be addressed as well, he said. "On the earlier driving instance, you could say, 'Hey Dad, Fred from next door called to tell me about your accident. What happened?" Harwood said. "Then take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help."
In general, the Home Instead Senior Care survey found that Boomers have the most difficulty talking with their parents about independence issues, such as continuing to live in their own home, health problems and money concerns. The fact that many of these families are still in a parent-child rather than a peer-to-peer role makes the conversations even more difficult.
"If an adult child always turns first to the parent in times of trouble, regularly needs money, or calls the parent every time there's a romantic crisis, then they can expect the parent to continue acting out the parenting role. When the child becomes truly independent, the parent may be more likely to relinquish the parent role,"
Physical space and place also influence communication, Harwood said. "A family reunion or a major holiday may well trigger a lot of memories and associations of childhood for all involved, and therefore is not a good time to initiate a conversation about the parents health or current needs".
The bottom line is to keep talking, because the parent-child conversation can be so important in helping seniors adapt to changing life circumstances. Good communication also is vital to helping families know when it's time to seek additional resources. "Oftentimes both adult children and their loved ones can benefit from outside help, such as a professional caregiver," said Mrs. Windle "But the only way that will happen is if they can talk about it."
For copies of the free "40-70 Rule" guide, contact Irene Windle at 304-522-9112
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